previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Hey, one sec there, Hilla. I don't know if you should really touch that gold.
It's too late. I am rubbing it all over my bodies.
Oh, you got some of the mushrooms. They're pretty tasty.
Now, you eat some of these. Were they, you feeling okay?
Yeah, they're pretty meaty.
Uh, I beat one.
Now you step out into a clearing and there is a hut.
You see a skull shaped handle.
You got anything to say?
Find the code and break the curse.
So, Z-Y-E-D-A or?
Or just Z-E-D.
The wind pours down on top of you.
Ah, it's a motherfucking witch!
Well, I'm just gonna keep kicking that door.
As you step in with the orb, you feel it pulling from your hand.
Just watch in wonderment at the miracle that I'm witnessing.
The windmill begins to churn as she herself is pulled off of her broom
and through the blades of the windmill,
the darkness that has settled over this little village is lifted.
You make it back to the caravan where your wagon is there
and Winifred's wagon is there and she runs over to you
and she's like, where did you guys go?
Well, we were, it was golden.
Well, Hillop wanted to go check out a town he heard about in a story one time,
so we had to go have a look.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
We're a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast
and I'm your dungeon master, Russ More, and with me today is Amy More.
Why you do that?
You saw me drinking.
You saw me drinking coffee.
Introduce me first.
I did.
You're a doink.
I'm Amy.
I play Sullivan Sleight, a halfling.
No, son of a bitch.
A lightfoot halfling rogue.
And Carla Maxted.
That is me.
I play Norixius Akra aka Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
And Tom Laird.
That's me.
I play Moot.
He's a half-orc wild magic sorcerer.
And also with us today, a wonderful and special guest from the broadswords.
She's the she's the DM.
She's the producer.
She's ready.
It's Victoria Rogers.
Hi.
I'm going to be playing Bombera, a human sorcerer.
It's very fancy.
I'm wiggling my eyebrows, listeners.
It's very impressive.
You can feel the eyebrow wiggle.
Where you can see all of these eyebrow wiggles is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where we also dedicate an episode to a patron.
And today's patron is Kathy Sindelar.
And now, unless anybody has any other questions or anything before we're getting started.
Yeah, hold on.
I have something.
How do you D&D?
Fuck it.
Let's play D&D.
We'll learn as we play, Amy.
Don't worry about it.
We'll figure it out at some point.
Episode 100 or something.
We open on a darkened shop.
The light is coming in through the curtains.
And we hear the sound of a person entering from a back area in this shop.
Bombera, what do you do when you go through your morning routine?
Yeah, so I live in the apartment upstairs.
And there is a rickety staircase that leads from the apartment down to my back room.
Usually what happens is as I'm descending the stairs,
my cat Toby will make that the time that he decides I'm going to run around on the stairs.
I trip.
There is a handle specifically mounted on the wall for this occasion.
I grab onto it.
Toby, go outside.
And then I open the back door.
The cat runs out.
Close the door.
And then I go to the front to, you know, unshutter the windows.
Flip the closed sign to open.
Turn on some candles with a snap of my fingers.
And await my first customers.
As the room illuminates during this morning ritual that you have,
uh, you look to a spot where, um, a very prized possession is.
And you notice that that item is now gone.
And behind it, scrawled on the wall in a greasy charcoal is the Rat King calls.
Do I know anything about the Rat King?
Make, make a check, make a history check.
So, okay, history, community knowledge, check, probably just an intelligence,
just intelligence.
How smart am I?
Yeah.
Um, above average.
Oh, it's the ampersand symbol.
Oh, that's a natural 20.
Are you rolling with your fancy heavy?
Yes, I am.
It was the first time I rolled a nat 20 on it.
So I was very confused as to what that meant.
Okay.
It's going to be a good game then.
It's going to be great.
Yeah.
You know exactly who, well, you, you've heard, uh, stories kind of going
through the shop keeps in the, throughout the dock ward that there's, um, a new
underground syndicate of sorts that is trying to make their way within water deep.
They've kind of come in on some, uh, water deep is, let's catch you up with where water deep is.
Um, we are just post rise of Tiamat, so there is, there are lots of people
who have kind of flocked to water deep, escaping the cult of the dragon.
So the rat king and his followers have come to water deep on, on barges and ships and kind
of snuck into water deep and are now trying to enforce rule on the dock ward.
They're trying to state claim to that.
Could they be any more like cliche rats on a dock?
Come on, you guys get creative.
When I write this in 24 hours, no.
Lean on those tropes, Russ.
You got it.
Okay.
So it's, they're, they're a new, a new, new thugs in town.
New thugs.
Yeah, that's a good description.
Okay.
Oh, bloody hells.
We cut to, um, about that time in the morning.
You three, Moot, Glim and Sully are wandering through the streets of water deep.
You arrived with Hillop approximately a week prior to this point.
What have you three been doing either together or on your own
while you've been getting used to the city?
Well, I think Sully's probably been wandering around talking up a lot of the different shop
keepers and like people at stands and markets, um, really playing up this, uh,
adventure in the woods about how he single-handedly saved, um, this entire town.
And then the lighthouse, he doesn't tell it well.
Um, he can't quite remember all the details, especially by saying there's a lighthouse.
Uh, yeah, there was a lighthouse.
Nope.
I mean, there was a windmill.
Oh, God damn it.
It was a windmill.
Also a tall cylindrical building.
So close though.
It was a lighthouse in the middle of the woods.
I was so confident.
For some reason.
God, I need to die on the back.
Something happened maybe somewhere.
There could have been trees.
I shot Hillop in the leg.
Shoulder.
Guys, it's too early for this shit.
This is Sully, right?
It's a different story everywhere he goes.
He shot him in the eye.
He now wears an eye patch.
He shot him in the leg.
He has a wooden leg now.
He shot him in the shoulder.
First there's a windmill.
Then it's the Eiffel Tower.
That doesn't exist here, but it does now.
And then there's, there's a lighthouse.
And nobody knows what's happening.
Over breakfast one morning, does he, does he start to tell Hillop the story?
Because he's just so used to telling it to everyone.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
That's very good.
Yeah.
I remember the time I shot you in the, in the leg.
You fell down those stairs.
Oh, that's, that's why I fell down the stairs.
I thought this was because the dragon lady, she dropped it and I went all the way down.
Yeah, that does sound like Glim.
He doesn't remember very many things.
And how about Glim and Moot?
So Glim has continued the thing she started when they were on the road,
teaching a fun Zumba class every morning.
What?
Just to get, get her blood pumping and finds like more and more people like start coming.
At first it was just a few folks from the caravan that like already had been a part of it,
but more and more people started coming.
And of course she manages to mention like at least once per day
in class about how, you know, she's going to save the world and she has a destiny.
Have you heard of Bahamut?
Letting everybody know the good news of Bahamut.
How do you feel about doing a cut scene where I just have some pump up jams
and you're doing a routine where you're, you're spouting, you're spouting Bahamut?
Uh, sure.
Spinning some Bahamut, good news.
Just, just spouting the Bahamut.
Good morning, everyone. Thanks for joining me for Zumba.
We're going to work out, do some fun moves,
and I'm going to tell you about a real cool platinum dragon named Bahamut.
First move, going to take your right foot, tap it out and in.
Yeah, keep doing that.
Now let's switch left and out and in.
Back and forth, out and in.
Keep that going.
Bahamut, he loves you so much.
He's all about good.
He's all about love.
He just wants you to work, to help yourself like you're doing right now.
Okay, now we're going to start moving back and forth.
Um, and, um, the elephant in the room, how was your, uh,
how was your luscious mane now?
Oh God, I forgot about my beard.
Um, I mean, just for character art reasons,
I want to say I shaved it and it didn't grow back.
But it did.
Okay, then I guess I shaved it and it grew back.
And you've continued to shave it since.
Now, does she just have to shave it every day, like a regular beard,
or is it a Tim Allen situation where she shaves it off and it grows back immediately?
Yes, that one.
That's what I was picturing, like I shave it, then it's definitely a real Santa Claus here.
It's definitely, you've kind of come to the end through talking with a few people in passing.
It could very well be a curse that is now befalling your face.
Okay.
A specific face curse.
Your face be cursed.
Perhaps throughout your conversations, you've found that there is a magic shop owner
down in the dock wards who may or may not have an affordable solution to your problem.
The shop in question is Bubbles and Such.
Hey, I hear that down at Bubbles and Such,
there's this anti-weird beard kind of elixir you can get for your situation, Glim.
Yeah, you know, I sort of like it on one hand.
It's fun to feel like a different person, but I don't know, it's so sweaty.
Like, I mean, doing the Zumba every morning and I'm sweating and it's just,
I don't know how people live with these things.
Oh yeah, sweaty beard, it's no good.
And how about Moot? What's Moot been up to?
Sweaty hands!
Moot has discovered bakeries since they've been in town and he drags anyone who will
go with him to every bakery that he can find, especially the Elvish bakeries.
They have the best apple turnovers.
And what is your favorite bakery?
Ooh, that's a good question.
Probably, I need a good Elvish sounding bakery.
I'm gonna say the Sun and Stars Bakery.
Got it.
Affordable prices?
No, but it's the best one in town, so.
Well, fair enough. You pay for quality.
Okay, so you've been there for about a week.
How many times have you been to the Sun and Stars?
Only twice, because I need to ration out my money.
Sure, okay.
So we'll say you're probably down like ten gold with all of the bakeries visiting you.
Oh yeah, he's put on like a solid ten pounds since he's been there.
I like it.
So you three are together, you're walking through the streets trying to find baubles and such.
Oh look, I found, no wait, that's bottles and such.
That was really close though.
So close.
I think I might need to get glasses.
I think we have to go a little bit closer down.
Maybe, let's try down around this corner.
Are there any people around us?
It's early in the morning, I assume. The shop's just opening.
It is early in the morning. You're in the dock ward, so there's lots of people kind of moving to and from, moving cargo in and out of ships, but yes, there are many people, if you wanted to stop somebody.
Uh, hello. Hello, kind sir.
Yeah. Yeah, what can I do for you?
Uh, I'm looking to get rid of my glasses.
Here, just let me put down, hold on, hold on, just let me put down this super heavy casket I'm carrying.
Is it cask or casket?
I said casket, but I meant cask.
Okay, I was like, is there a dead body in there?
She's quite traditional. I don't think she would have stopped a funeral procession.
Excuse me, you guys, I have a question.
There's four pallbearers.
Let me just walk with you for a minute.
I mean, it might be pickled, I don't know.
I'll just put this down anyways.
What can I help you with there, my bearded dragon friend?
My beard? I mean, my deer?
My beard, my deer.
Yes, it's about the beard.
Right.
So, we were in the woods and we ran into a, you know, it's sort of a long story,
but the bottom line is I have this beard and I kind of want to get rid of it,
but although like I kind of like it, I don't want to disparage people with beards.
It's just, I don't really know.
Like, anyway, after she probably like gets an elbow from Mood or Sully.
This goes on for eight to ten minutes.
So, you're looking for a barber?
Odds are.
Not a barber.
I heard about a shop where they might have an anti-weird beard.
Anti-weird beard.
Or lotion, or so, baubles and such.
Oh, yeah, why didn't you just say that off the top there?
We could have saved this whole conversation.
Baubles and such is down.
You go around the corner, take three lefts, and it's over there.
Wait, wait a minute.
If we take three lefts, can we just cut straight through this alleyway right there
and save ourselves like 15 minutes?
I mean, you could, but I'm going that way.
So, I was hoping to send you down and around.
No, yeah, I totally get it.
Give me time to take my cask down this street here.
You really pickle dead people.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, thank you, sir.
It's been lovely to meet you.
I hope maybe we'll run into each other again.
Have you been in water deep longer?
So, you make three left turns or you cut down whichever way.
You make it to the outside of baubles and such.
And when they make it to baubles and such,
what do they see of the face of the shop?
The face of the shop is it has a bow window in the front with panes.
You know, it's paned glass.
In the window, you see there's a table with velvet draped over it.
And there's trinkets.
There's amulets and things.
A dagger artfully placed and displayed.
And there is a wooden sign hanging over the front door.
And it swings in a slight breeze.
And it is green with gold lettering on it.
Baubles and such.
Well, this looks like a fancy establishment.
I'm going to go in and touch stuff.
You can always tell the fancy ones because they don't use the ampersand.
They actually put the word and on their signs.
Well, yeah, I thought it was baubles and such.
It's baubles and such.
You got to pay per letter for a sign painter.
So this must be a fancy shop.
You're right.
Brought your gold.
I mean, I've been spending a lot of it, but we'll see.
And we go in.
Well, there is a bell and it goes ding ding as you walk in.
And do we see you right away?
Yeah, I am seated behind the counter.
You see a woman with brown hair.
It's pulled back into a loose bun.
There are some streaks of gray around the temples leaning back.
Wearing some just sensible clothes.
Kind of no nonsense.
Just tunic and breeches and some boots.
And I'm reading a book.
I like it.
Suddenly strides in here like he owns the place.
Yeah, the place is full of glittering things and there's a whole wall of weapons
and there is a wall of scrolls.
And that wall, the wall of scrolls is behind the counter.
I go to the glittery things.
Oh, instantly.
What about you, Moot?
I'm going to check out these scrolls just like from a distance.
They look so ornate.
I just picture Moot like walking up to where Bumpera is standing,
just kind of like looking over without saying anything.
Like real slow and awkward about it too.
Good morning.
Good morning, ma'am.
Oh, hello.
Good morning, good morning.
She looks around the room or her area for something that she can use as a bookmark
and she grabs like a receipt or something,
the first thing that she sees and like shoves it in there, sets her book aside.
Welcome, welcome.
What can I do for you?
Well, and I launch into the whole story about what happened in the woods
and end with.
So when I tried to shave the beard off, it just grew back,
didn't even grow back, just, you know,
appeared back full and bushy and beautiful like you see it right now.
So I think it might be, I don't know, a spell or a curse or it's not a natural beard.
But maybe you might have something to help with that.
Some folks said this was the place to come.
Oh, yes.
Well, hmm, yes.
I mean, I wasn't going to say anything because that's rude,
but generally you don't see a dragon board with such a luscious beard.
Not usually.
We don't even have hair follicles on our face.
It's amazing.
Yeah, yeah, this is, yeah, this is so easy.
Definitely probably magic.
Let me just consult something here.
And then she, she goes off and starts like flipping through books,
which is code for me looking at my character sheet.
While you're doing that, I assume, I only assume,
and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but Bomber would have tried to wipe away
the racking call sign there and like char on the wall.
No, no, I've left it.
Okay, perfect.
Because I want the watch to see it.
Okay.
So the three of you, well, boss.
Shuri, is that on the baubles and sparkly side of things
or is that by the weapons?
Where was the priceless object and the scrawl?
It would have been in between the weapons and the sparkly things.
Sully is picking up like little like trinkets and like vials filled with stuff
and like smelling them and like really having just a very tactile experience at this store.
He's so enraptured with the different colors and mumbling different things to himself.
Like, well, this one's sparkly.
That's no good, but it looks so good.
Oh, God.
And I keep moving my way along the wall.
Make your perception check as you're doing it.
It's a minus one.
This is so opposite the 11.
I mean, it's pretty obvious.
As you come to it, you look up, you see it.
The Rat King calls in like this greasy black charcoal all over the wall.
For now, I look at it and I'm like,
and I keep looking at stuff for the moment.
So I think that I am also like, while I wait, kind of looking at things,
maybe there's, and tell me if I'm wrong,
maybe there's a small section with like some religious iconography.
That's probably where I make a real beeline for it.
Just to see.
Always on the lookout for something for my main dude, Bahamut,
that I might add to my collection.
So I'm sort of looking in that area.
I imagine you with a keychain
that just has like a ridiculous amount of like Bahamut, like trinkets.
Like 10 or 12 different items.
Totems, different like leathers, scripted.
Like it's getting out of hand and moot and selling mean to talk to you about it.
Ah, yes, yes.
So I think I do have something that could help, maybe.
Not really sure.
Because unless I'm told by someone of, you know,
clerical persuasion that this is indeed a curse,
I mean, I can't be 100% sure here.
Right, right.
Okay, well, I mean, I'm sort of willing to try anything.
I teach these Zumba classes in the morning
and this beard is so hot and sweaty and I just,
it's just too much for me.
I'd rather not have it anymore.
Oh, you know, that's, you might want to donate that hair.
Oh, I hadn't thought about that.
Yeah.
And that would be donated for?
Wigs.
Wigs for underprivileged orphans.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
They can't grow their own beards.
Bald orphans need my beard hair.
Okay, so I've got this scroll here and she climbs up onto a step stool
because she's not super tall at all, about like 5'4".
And she reaches up and pulls a couple out.
And then as she's pulling them out,
because she's pulling them from above her head,
a few fall out and kind of like hit her in the face.
And she's like sneezing.
I really should dust up there.
And then she's like, okay, here you go.
This here is a scroll of lesser restoration.
And do I just, do I read it?
Do I get a magic user to read it?
Oh, yeah, you.
My friend Mood is kind of good at that sometimes.
No, you can, you can, I mean, you can have someone else do it.
But you could do it.
That's the beauty of scrolls.
That there scroll is 40 gold pieces.
Oh, okay.
Well, hold on.
I forget how much money I have.
We have never really played this.
I might not have even written it down.
She pulls 40 gold coins out of her bag.
Yeah, there we go.
Exactly.
That's how we play with money.
I think you all got, like you split like three or 400 gold.
Well, we did just find a treasure chest.
That's right.
We rich.
We've got money.
Except for Moot, who's eaten all of his gold.
Write down the fact that you had 100 gold each to start.
Moot's eating it.
Just turning it into food.
I've probably been giving mine away also
to like any random person who looks to be in need.
Then you tell me how much money you have.
I think I would have broken it down smaller, maybe.
Like a gold seems like quite a bit of money, right?
To hand out to random people?
Yeah, probably.
Yeah, yeah.
And I like that because all altruism is like a little bit selfish
because it makes you feel good.
So you're getting something out of it.
I probably like broke it down into silvers or something.
So I could keep that feeling going.
It just like keep giving to more and more people.
But yes, I give Bombera the 40 gold.
Thank you.
Hope that works.
Me too.
Did you give it to her in silvers?
Like, did you give her like dimes?
No, I had still had some solid gold pieces.
You're going to say here's just 400 silver pieces.
I have like a pocket for like my charity pocket
and then my spending pocket.
You're wearing cargo pants, aren't you?
Yeah, cargo pants of holding.
I almost would picture more like I have a lot of like leather belts and things.
Yeah, so like a couple of those like flat kind of fanny packy ones
that's like a utility belt kind of.
But then some around my legs.
Like there's just I got a lot of belts.
Lots of secret pockets.
Sully at different points has hidden things in different pockets
and you still haven't found them yet.
That sounds right.
It's not where I thought you were going.
That's right.
Keeping on your toes.
Moot comes over after he sees you get the scroll.
He says, oh, do you do you know like how do we use this?
I think I just have to read it.
Oh, okay.
Just read it.
And there's some hand symbols there.
Just make sure you do the hand symbols.
It's pictographed right there along the bottom of the scroll.
I come up and I pop up and I look at the scroll
and I point to when I'm like that one looks dirty.
Moot and Glim make a perception check
because you're looking at these hand gestures.
Uh, that is let me go to my bonuses.
There's like a thumbs up.
I rolled a one.
And a thumbs down.
Oh, it's just a straight up seven.
And then, yeah.
We're very focused on the scroll.
You're very focused on the scroll.
By the way, did any of you see any of the guard out and about yet?
No, we didn't.
We didn't see anyone.
I feel like they.
Maybe they slept in today.
It sort of seems like they get a later start.
They work real late.
I don't know.
We didn't see anyone this morning, though.
Yeah.
You know what?
I sent Theobald off to the City Watch like an hour ago
and no one has shown up.
Well, they're probably really scared about this like rat king
that apparently called you.
Yeah.
They stole it.
They stole my wand of smiles.
I'm sorry.
You're what?
Does the wand make people what?
It makes you smile when you hold it.
Yeah, it's I love that thing.
It's been in my family for ages.
And do you know all of your customers love you when you can make them smile?
You're like, force them to smile.
You're like, have a good day.
Yeah, you know, it's highly effective.
Customer satisfaction guaranteed.
Well, how are you going to make people smile now?
I don't know.
I just I don't know.
Never like good customer service or something.
I've never, you know, I've never been without it.
Welcome to the middle.
You're here.
So you're halfway through the episode.
So you should listen to us a little more
because that's how this thing works called podcasting.
I love how you explained podcasting.
I know it became very interesting to listen to explain what this part was.
And then you got very meta and explain podcasts.
I like it.
And can someone else jump in explaining songs?
I am not the one to explain songs.
You string together a harmony of notes and you sing and talk and riff and stuff until
sometimes somebody cuts you off with what's going on because that's the melody.
There it is.
No, I don't want it to correct you in saying it's not a harmony of notes.
You're singing a melody.
If you want to see this exactly, you want to see this magic happen live.
It could happen if you're in Edmonton this Saturday, September 21st,
1245 Edmonton Expo.
Us four dum-dums are going to sit on a stage, play some D&D.
Room 105 or 106.
Could be either.
Follow the signs.
We'll keep you guessing till the last minute.
Or until you walk down the hallway.
Yeah, until we know for sure and then we'll let you know.
Yeah, that's right.
But yeah, it could be either of those.
But yeah, we're playing a live show.
I'll sign boobs.
No, it's a family show.
It's a family event.
Challenge number one.
We all have to make it to Edmonton.
That should be fine.
Okay.
Challenge number two.
We're not allowed to swear.
That seems problematic.
Problem number three.
We have to be 45 minutes or less.
There are a lot of challenges that lay in our way.
And it's going to be fun.
We're going to do it.
It is.
Also, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
For those of you who aren't quite sure where this is,
and if you want to make a special, special trip up to the frigid north.
It's not that frigid right now.
But just to see your favorite podcasters for 45 minutes.
Sounds like a winning combination.
That'd be pretty great if you did that.
Hey, I would hang out with you for like a good hour after the show.
If you show me a plane ticket, like I came all the way from Houston.
I'd be like, let's get some fucking beers.
You would have to wait till after the 45 minutes is up to say that F word.
Yes.
Yeah.
We got to be out in the hall, like around the corner down the street.
Not within earshot of children.
Yeah, no, no.
But yes, family friendly event.
All people, all kids, all whatever are invited.
It'd be great if you guys were there and that audio we will release.
And then I suspect we haven't really talked about this,
but I'm going to assume we're probably going to play together in real life.
Not just that game, because we'll all be together all weekend.
Maybe.
Live show Edmonton Expo, Saturday, September 21st at 1245.
It's free with admission.
That's funny that you did that.
To the expo.
Hope to see you there.
Please, please come if you're in the area.
We'd love to see you.
Yeah.
Okay, back to that episode.
Enjoy it.
You got it.
Breathe it in.
What's a fucking creepy way to end an interlude.
Yeah.
Wow.
Rashomon, a land where spirits roam and witches rule.
Three women are embroiled in a divine plot and it is up to them to uncover why.
Join the adventures of the broadswords at the broadswords.com.
The door chimes and an exasperated Theobald runs back in.
I feel sick.
If he had your beard, he would be so sweaty right now.
It's true.
Nice beard.
I went and checked with the city watch.
They're very, they tell me busy with this whole ceremony thing going on with the
the pyres and this celebration of winning.
They'll be down later.
Are you gonna vom?
Yeah, it's a long run.
Thank you, Theobald.
Thank you.
You know, there's some stuff upstairs if you want something to eat.
Okay, thank you.
I'll just, the cat's outside.
I don't have to worry about tripping.
No, Toby's outside.
Okay, perfect.
I'll be upstairs.
You have a cat?
Yeah, I do.
I start to, he looks around even though he just heard you say that the cat's outside.
With a store like this and a bunch of things on a bunch of shelves,
isn't having a cat a bad idea?
That is why there is a door separating the back to the front.
That makes sense.
Yes, learned that the hard way.
So who do you think this Rat King is?
Doesn't sound good.
No, you know, he's, I don't really know.
I just, with, you know, the influx of people coming in,
you know, this Rat King just like snuck in and now they're just,
you know, they're just dogs.
Look, they stole my wand of smiles.
What could they want with a wand of smiles?
Maybe they're really unhappy.
Well, I mean, I could just make them smile.
They didn't have to steal it.
Maybe what makes them happy is a thrill of stealing stuff for nothing.
But I mean, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Sully?
What do you mean?
What?
Hold on.
I just, I think I heard the cat and I like wander off.
Yeah, I mean, look, I'm looking at all of you as a group.
And like, do you have your weapons on?
Yeah, I think so.
And stuff.
I think we're all geared up.
Or at least I shouldn't speak for them.
I'm all geared up.
Sully doesn't have too much gear.
I mean, I don't have a lot of gear, but I'm wearing it all, so.
Yeah.
You look competent.
Are you sure?
That's never been said about us before.
Nope.
Try again.
You look.
Here.
You look like you're not too busy.
You look available.
Yes, you're available.
You don't look busy.
See, what say, you know, I got the dockside business owner association together
and we offered a reward, you know, to take down this rat king and get my Wanda smiles.
Sully comes back.
So did I hear something about a reward?
Yeah.
This came out as W's.
It's okay.
Sully has a little speech impediment.
Now he's so excited.
Well, it does sound like this rat king is just a real nefarious character.
So I always am trying to stop, you know, the bad people from doing bad things
and stealing smile sounds like just about the worst thing you could do.
So it is.
I mean, how many people does this like, they come into my shop to have their day brightened.
And, you know, sometimes that's all someone needs is a smile
and their entire day can be changed for the better.
This is a travesty.
Well, I'm sold.
Plus, tell me how big can he possibly be?
He's a rat.
Rats are like, he's a king.
Okay.
So like what?
Like this big?
So he's moving his hands back and forth.
This is great for an audio media.
Good job, baby.
The door chimes and a customer comes in
and they kind of look like they're urgently waiting to get your attention.
To get a smile.
Oh, excuse me.
Yes, hello.
Yes, I need a scroll and then start walking with you over to the scroll rack
to make somebody disappear.
Invisibility?
See, I was talking like banishment.
Well, I was like, I was like wronged.
So I want to get rid of them.
Yeah, so I don't have anything quite like that, but I do have.
We'll say that their conversation fades out
and you three can kind of talk amongst yourselves for a moment.
All right.
Well, I think the most important thing right now is the question we're all wondering.
Stopping the wrongdoers.
What?
Stopping the wrongdoers?
Is that the most important thing right now?
I was going to say you're going to get rid of that beard.
Yeah, I was kind of thinking about the scroll.
Oh, okay.
Okay, but we're going to help her.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
But I mean, won't you be able to help her better
without worrying about a sweaty beard?
I mean, you're probably right.
Okay, so maybe is there like an open counter space or something?
Because what I'd like to do now that I know I can donate this beard hair to orphans
is open like a handkerchief or something.
Because I'm assuming I'm going to read it.
It's just going to like fall out.
Yeah, it's going to fall off in one chunk.
Sure.
Oh, I didn't think that.
That seems so gross.
I thought it would like poof away, but no, it's just going to.
Like a dandelion, like it would all just come out.
Otherwise, what are they going to cut out?
Little wigs?
I don't know what they're doing with the hair anyway.
How long is your beard?
It's the big bushy beard.
So, yeah, I unfold a napkin or like just a handkerchief.
Yeah, a handkerchief and pull out the scroll and kind of lean over and then
read through the scroll while doing, you know, my like.
Little bunny foo foo.
Cut it out.
I assume that's what the hand signals are.
Things like that.
Do you want to make her make up words, don't you?
Do I roll for beard?
No, I'd roll for arcana.
Just see how you do.
Okay, that's a five.
You get to the end of the scroll and nothing happens.
Hmm, I don't I don't seem very moot.
Maybe, you know, this is like magic and that's really like you're kind of the
best at that kind of thing.
Would you mind trying to do this?
I can totally give it a shot.
This is so I've never used a scroll before.
This is very exciting.
Have you ever read a book before moot?
Oh, yeah, tons.
Oh, I think it's very similar.
It's just this is one piece of paper instead of a whole bunch of pieces of paper.
That's true.
This is just the one.
All right.
Would you like me to roll for this, Russ?
Yeah, arcana.
Okay, that is a 16.
So describe to me what moot does better than glim in the success of this scroll reading.
Moot manages to really nail the hand gestures that were like, you know,
reading it and doing it all, you know, to yourself is one thing,
but reading and doing to someone else is a whole other one.
And moot just totally nails this bad boy.
I think he had to be fair.
I also have less fingers.
So like, I feel like it's maybe a bit racist against Dragonborn.
I probably need five fingers to be able to do this really effectively.
Yeah.
Well, when you had to do this and then you were just like this.
Exactly.
There's an aura that comes about and presents itself around your beard.
Oh, it's so fucking magical.
And it falls off with a thud into the handkerchief.
It's like it just like it was pulled off,
like it was a like a prop wig and is now in your hands.
Does it make a nice like sound or anything when it goes off?
When it removes?
Yep.
They're all really gross images and sounds for 8 o'clock in the morning.
It seems really gross.
I don't know why it's so much grosser as One Piece, but it really is.
But anyway, I sort of touch my face and like,
oh, moot, thank you.
You did it.
How do I look?
Do I have like a slight tan line?
A little dragon scale tan line.
And I fold the handkerchief over my weird solid beard.
We cut back into the conversation half and he's like,
you're telling me you can't make people disappear,
but you made her beard just go like that's all I need.
It's just the person just to go.
I don't deal in murder.
That's not what I'm saying.
They can go somewhere.
You know what?
I'll go down the street.
There's a there's a warlock who said he might be able to do it.
You just I'll come back if it doesn't work out.
Hey, hold on, buddy.
How did how did he how were you wronged?
I had this I had this cool little trinket.
It was given to me from my father's mother's granddaughter.
My sister doing the math.
Everyone just stops for a full like minute and it's like
everyone's head's tilted to the side.
And it was supposed to be mine.
And now I just I just she's not giving it back.
You want to disappear your sister because she stole your trinket?
Yeah.
Yeah, sounds fair to me.
Good luck, buddy.
Thanks.
And he leaves.
That guy's crazy.
Yeah, that's why I wouldn't sell him a scroll to make someone go poof.
So who calls their sister their father's father's granddaughter?
Someone who doesn't like their sister.
I guess so.
She's that far removed.
Not really trying to distance that relationship.
You're right.
Bombera, you did it.
Look at look at my look at my clean, scaly face.
That is wonderful.
And she she goes to reach to give it a pat.
And then it's like, oh, sorry.
Shouldn't do that.
No, it's OK.
Go ahead.
Oh, oh, nice and smooth claim.
Not so much with the boundaries.
She's fine.
So this Rat King, this terrible evil doer, the Rat King.
Yes, the Rat King.
A bane, a bane on this ward.
I think that we love banishing evil.
It's like our whole thing.
So I think we probably want to help.
Suddenly look at each other.
Is there like, yeah, kind of, but not my whole thing.
We did it once.
We did it that one time.
All of our favorite things.
Oh, well, that's excellent.
The Dockside Business Association.
So the DBA.
I'm sure I can get them to to give give a reward.
Not a problem.
We could give you.
She does some math in her head.
500 gold.
That sounds like a pretty good amount of gold, guys.
Yeah, I totally agree.
How many turnovers?
Oh, well, when you put it that way.
That's like seven turnovers at that fancy bakery you like.
Oh, are you talking about the Star Moon or the Moon and Stars?
The Sun and Stars Bakery.
The Sun and Stars.
Oh, it's so good.
You know, I went there the other day.
They had some perfect croissants.
I've been fixated on the Apple turnovers.
Try the croissants and dip them in chocolate.
Oh, it's mine just exploded.
Bombera, do you think you mentioned that charity that would take the beard?
I wonder if you could while we go get the Rat King, maybe get them this.
And I like drop the beard on the counter with I assume another solid bud.
Yeah, I have to be the corner of the hankie and peer underneath it.
Oh, well.
Isn't that a sight?
Yes, can do.
Can do.
Thank you so much.
Your helper, Theobald.
Theobald.
He comes back to us today.
Oh, that was a great breakfast.
Why do you have a clump full of hair?
Oh, Theobald, just the person I wanted to see.
Could you go please bring this to Wigs for Kids?
Wigs for Kids?
They're still in operation.
I thought they were shut down a while ago because kids don't actually need wigs.
I think they're still there.
Please go bring this to them.
Okay, will do.
It feels unnatural, but okay.
He heads out.
You sticking around or you heading out?
Oh, I'm here until the watch come.
Okay, cool.
And he leaves.
Well, do you got any hot tips for us on where we can start looking for this rat king?
Well, they're down by, I mean, I know this is the docks, but if you go to the dock docks,
the pier, there's some like sewage docks, tunnels, whatever those are called,
some sewers, sewer exit points.
Sewage ducks?
Like an aqua-duct?
What are we talking about here?
Oh, I thought like a quack, like a sewage duck, like the god in the entrance.
Well, you know what, it wouldn't surprise me if they were there.
Do you think these bad guys have trained ducks to guard the entrance to their lair?
Well, I mean, you can have killer geese, so why not ducks?
Despicable.
Fair point.
Ducks need to be fluffy and yellow.
We need to get some really nice dish soap to clean these.
They must be stopped.
To the docks, docks.
You wanna come?
Would you like to reap justice for yourself?
I'll hold them down.
Unless you're from here, you'd know people would probably be happy to talk to you.
You're this wonderful established business person.
We just got to town a week ago.
You can put Toby in charge of the store.
Toby, I do not trust that cat.
Actually, Toby's gonna be stopping by for lunch soon.
Okay, fine.
I'll tell you what, let me go get Toby his lunch and then I will be
right with you and we can go find this rat king and I can give him a piece of my mind.
Yeah!
I'd say you'd make him smile,
but I think that goes against what we're trying to do here.
She just stares at you.
The Songs Long Road Ahead, Umbrella Pants and Sneaky Snitch are by Kavin McLeod of
incompetech.filmmusic.io.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Ryan Cushman, Cat Waterflame, and Jacob Madden.
Find out more at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Bombera, what do you do when you get the shop going?
Are we in the shop?
No, you're not in the shop.
We were all ready and like, should I jump in?
Am I in the shop?
I open the door to the shop.
Get the fuck away.
I guess I broke into the shop and now I'm gonna run it.
The little bell dings as I open the door.
What's happening?
How far in the future are we?
We have whole new lives where we're shop keeps now.
Squash that.
Actually, no, let it run.
You can make all the sounds you want.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.